I have always survived with comedy, in that I grew up very dyslexic and did not get good grades. I always thought I was dumb, and there are many people out there that would agree

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

We are all born like Catholics . . . in limbo, without religion.

All I can think about is how I wanted to share those firsts with Logan and how I never knew it was an impossibility because it had already been taken away from me.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,'Aubrey. I will avenge this scar and every scar you have put into my heart. -Risika(In The Forest Of The Night)

The purpose creates the machine.

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

Floundering around, learning by doing but also by failing, is not only good but inevitable.

Well, every now and then I would hear the preposterous notion that that Jane Pauley sounds like Barbara Walters. Like I could if I tried?

The streets are full of admirable craftsmen, but so few practical dreamers.

Whoever first thought of imposing a library fine was indeed intelligent.

Many people believe everything others say, even though what they see with their own eyes, should be enough to tell them otherwise.