I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

And why does this same God tell me how to raise my children when he had to drown his?

The purpose of school is for children to learn, not for them to feel good about themselves all the time.

My mom makes something called green pie, which I thought was a delicacy that many people only had at Thanksgiving, but it turns out it was just Jell-O with whipped cream on it. And it's delicious.

People say I eat a lot. I really don't. More or less I just eat all the time.

The secret of success is this: there is no secret of success.

She looked at me for real and saw I was serious. She saw I knew she was for me like you know that tomorrow morning the sun will rise.

To be Christian it will cost a man his love of ease.

What's the Use of Getting Sober (When You Gonna Get Drunk Again)

Once I know I'm an alcoholic then it is my obligation, duty to see what I can do about healing myself.

I still look like a duck.