I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I travel because it makes me realize how much I haven't seen, how much I'm not going to see, and how much I still need to see.

Maxim 2: A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Family and God - that is what's important. Money, cars, those are things that come and go.

What did I owe the rest of the world? Nothing.

We don't criticize. Criticism is an enemy. You've got to make loving, positive suggestions.

Amateurs hope. Professional work.

I wrote like a junkie. I had to have my daily fix.

I have always believed that I need a circumference of silence. As to what happens to when I composer, I really haven't the faintest idea.

I believe that pain and suffering can either be a prison or a prism.

Think you figured it out, but you don't have a clue. Think you on top of the world, but the world on top of you.