I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

Against necessity against its strength no one can fight and win.

I mean being a writer is like being a psychoanalyst, but you don't get any patients.

I like my work to stand on its own as much as possible.

It doesn't have to glitter to be gold.

I made it to the childbearing phase without TV dependence, then looked around and thought, Well gee, why start now? Why get a pet python on the day you decide to raise fuzzy little gerbils?

I like to make movies I like to watch.

There is nothing like despair to make one throw oneself upon the gods.

Big Brother is on the march. A plan to subject all children to mental health screening is underway, and the pharmaceuticals are gearing up for bigger sales of psychotropic drugs.

The bottom line is, you love your wife, you do your best with that.

I have long felt that the way to keep children out of trouble is to keep them interested in things.