I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

Our ability to convert time determines how great we will become

Children are the best recorders of information - they miss nothing

To throw oneself into strange teachings is quite dangerous.

I was in the band when I was a kid, I played the trumpet.

Any intelligent woman would have made a dignified retreat, but this was New Jersey, where dignity always runs a poor second to the pleasure of getting in someone's face.

The Moguls is a story about guys that have all grown up together and are now in their late 40s, early 50s.

That's always a cool thing to be the voice of what the eyes are seeing. It gives you the role of the Greek chorus and that's always fun to do.

I’ve never met a person who exaggerated God’s love. Never. It’s impossible.

Life is a system of half-truths and lies, Opportunistic, convenient evasion.

We are very short on organs, and the pig solution is probably a lot better than the human clone solution - though maybe not for the pigs.