I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Who and what you affiliate your life around will likely determine who you'll become.

We all have to face our faults and mistakes, and then choose to overcome them or let them drag us down.

When all of us are acknowledged as the human equals that we really are, there will be no space left for bullying. It will no longer be wrong to choose one thing over another.

There is only one valuable thing in art: the thing you cannot explain.

I love 'House' - I love 'House' so much.

It is said that friendship between women is only a suspension of hostilities.

If you did not have any personality, you would have a tremendous presence. The more rigid your personality, the more constipated your whole being.

Science is the process of thinking God's thoughts after Him.

Money opens up wonderful worlds of possibilities.

It's better to be good than evil, but one achieves goodness at a terrific cost.