I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Life is all about adjustments and love is, to be sensitive to the needs of the other than your own needs.

I had the best buffalo horse that ever made a track.

If I'm to accomplish my goal of being the world champion I've got to be better; so every day I come in here with a goal, and that's to get better.

We are the only species on earth capable of preventing our own flowering.

I take my part in the food chain very seriously.

One year of love is better than a lifetime alone.

Fame itself is but an epitaph; as late, as false, as true.

There are a couple of projects that are sort of on the plate; I haven't closed any of them yet. I'm trying to figure out which one is going to be the best one for me.

Complete and total perfection will come about only when we feel that our perfection is no perfections as long as the rest of humanity remains imperfect.

Its limitations are those of the physical universe: it won't let you play with some really wild ideas that aren't possible, but are fun to speculate about.