I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.

Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

Health is like money, we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.

The miser and the glutton are two facetious buzzards: one hides his store, and the other stores his hide.

Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.

God seemed to have become a brand, a packaging, and people purchase this trusted brand with such faith and devotion that they no longer care who the vendor is.

Fine, but if and when the zombies team up with the mummies to take over the world, you can't live in my underground bunker.

It's a treat to see the sun rise over the desert. What am I saying? It's a treat to fire off a rocket car over the desert!

If you choose to live outside the law, you must obey the law more stringently than anyone.

I could never rap, personally. I can't even wrap presents.

Rice at present prices provides more food for the money than most of the other cereals.

I just finished my 11th book last week, so I'm ready to start the next one.

[On the desert:] The wind was a constant, and when you paid attention, it seemed like the earth's own breathing.

The thing that overwhelms me when I go out now is the sprawlation of America.

Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!.