I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Anyone who thinks money can't buy happiness has never owned a cat [or any pet].

Have firm ideas of a particular life changes you wish to put into action.

We lie in wait for the right moment and the just cause, which, at this moment, is simply wanting to live.

Let’s not be too harsh where poets are concerned. They have to live in no-man’s-land, halfway between dreams and reality.

I have never known a novel that was good enough to be good in spite of its being adapted to the author's political views.

Boxing remains an important living metaphor of the struggle for equality.

The definition of success to me is not necessarily a price tag, not fame, but having a good life, and being able to say I did the right thing at the end of the day.

Our century is a brutal thinker.

The function of the flashback is Freudian...You have to let them wander like the imagination or like a dream.

Ukraine will be reforming its energy sector because we want to integrate into Europe, ... We have conducted all the talks and reached an agreement with Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Poland and Georgia.