I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

O miracle—thus to be able to give [peace] we ourselves do not possess, sweet miracle of our empty hands!

A very long time ago, Grandmother had wanted to tell about all the things they did, but no one had bothered to ask. And now she had lost the urge.

The prisoner's recurrent, sporadic dreams of escape were simply that - spurious vagaries dismissed almost as quickly as they blossomed in Schkirt's feverish mind.

Failures, repeated failures, are finger-prints on the road to achievement. .

Every ransomed man owes his salvation to the fact that during his days of sinning, God kept the door of mercy open.

When you use some of the more modern recording devices and Pro Tools, when you get into the technology, you are aching to get into some territory.

I can write a song in about an hour if it's a simple country song.

Rainbows are people whose lives are bright, shining examples for others.

Every prayer is an agreement with yourself.

I can't say I agree with something that takes the focus away from me.