I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

For the miserable find comfort in the philosophy that not on them alone has evil fallen.

Only someone who is sincere recognizes what showing off is.

Ironically, style doesn't come even closely related to fashion. It's got nothing to do [with clothes].

I've been hit in the head so many times, it's hard to remember that far back. I don't remember specific games.

There are no fortresses that Bolsheviks cannot storm.

All I'm armed with is research.

I'm not the greatest communicator. I kind of internalize a lot.

Neil Hamburger writes such cutting jokes.

Watch your motive before God; have no other motive in prayer than to know Him.

I'd heard stuff from out there that I was just another player, that I was too young. I wanted to show I could play with anybody.