I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Pamper no temptations! Once you are the driver on the steer of your life, choose to knock down every obstacle and challenge on your way to fulfillment.

And I can say that I’ll pay to watch MS Dhoni bat.

Without risk in our lives, we're scarcely better than machines ourselves.

Tolerance and freedom of thought are the veritable antidotes to religious fanaticism.

I always knew I had to work hard.

There is no doubt that parts of the world are getting warmer, but the warming is not global.

You can trust a Neil Simon script. Every dot. Every dash; that pause means something. He takes all the jokes out, practically.

Receive no satisfaction for premeditated impertinence - forget it, forgive it - but keep him inexorably at a distance who of∣fered it.

When there is tension, arguments and money problems, it's tough to do your work. Some people thrive on that. I don't.

It takes tenacity and daring to travel the darkest interior of one's self.