I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

A true diamond never over shadows... it's the brilliance of the subtle shine that's the most attractive.

Thanks to arranged marriages: There are countless women who have never been their husband's girlfriend.

Maybe you’re smiling as I stumble to put my feelings into words. But I’m trying to do her justice, you know?

One thing about D.C. that's funny to me is that you end up running into famous political figures who you've seen on television who you think are not real until you see them.

My life is singing. I don't plan on retiring. I plan to die on a stage. I can have a headache but when it's time to sing and I step on that stage there is no more headache.

There are places I don't want to go. Making movies on tops of mountains, in the desert, playing scenes while icy torrents of rivers rush by. The jungle. It's very uncomfortable.

I love comedy and I hope I never stop doing it.

politics were as bad as mathematics, and that the mission of politicians seemed to be calling each other names

In adding up her assets, the ambitious lady calculated the worth of her beautiful body as coldly as everything else.

I believe in one God, and no more; and I hope for happiness beyond this life.