I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Success comes with a promise and a price. The price has to be paid in full and in advance before the promise is fulfilled.

They say that it is always poets that die in wars, and I never got over a sense of being in the trenches.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

You could think of mindfulness as wise and affectionate attention.

I've finally graduated from 'I don't give a hoot.

Vows begin when hope dies.

Does freedom of speech give the right to offend?

He who achieves power by violence does not truly become lord or master.

Thank God I am 20 feet tall, so my crying is never mistaken as weak. It can be mistaken as weird, but not weak.

It is no use for the honorable member to shake his head in the teeth of his own words.