I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen's show and were disappointed. That didn't seem very organized! That guy's all over the map!

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Religion is the world's label for following God. But, it is a one-on-one, daily and personal relationship that God seeks from all of us.

Don't dim magic because there are non believers, let it shine out of you and they won't know how to look away.

Senses empower limitations, senses expand vision within borders, senses promote understanding through pleasure.

So I think that our foreign policy, the president's strong and principled leadership when it comes to the war against terror and foreign policy is going to be an asset.

The patient decides when it's best to go.

I don't remember ever having finished a book.

Criticizing lawyers for lawsuits is like criticizing linebackers for knocking people down.

I'm horrified to admit that I just love Salinger. I was devastated to find out that other people feel the same way.

It's a great feeling for me just to put my uniform on and be part of my team.

I used to be terribly shy, so I was either shy or over the top, and I always had a difficult time.