I have no use for humility. I am a fellow with an exceptional talent.

One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.

Sometimes the feeling that life is great just swells up inside you and fills you with joy.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.

A lot of people say, 'Well, I like a challenge. 'I don't like challenges. Life is tough enough without any challenges.

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

TIME's Person of the Year for 2006, maintainer of a foot long beard

Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer.

I am primarily a loner. I don't go to clubs. I don't hang out with people. I don't know many people. It's just the way it ended up. It's not a sob story; it's fine for me.

Cinema plus Psychoanalysis equals the Science of Ghosts.

I never liked blues music, and I really didn't like jazz. I liked Chuck Berry.

I suffer from arachnophobia. I don't mind the tiny spiders so much, it's the ones with their legs covered in thick hair.

If you want to hurt me, fine. Take my books. Burn down my house. Shave my head while I am sleeping. But nobody, nobody screws with my dog.

Once I started getting multiple days off in a row, it was a long year for me. That had never happened, and everybody knew I didn't like it.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

I had reached up and pulled the castle of dreams down around him.