I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

One of life's gifts is that each of us no matter how tired and downtrodden finds reasons for thankfulness.

Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys.

I don't think movies can ever be too intense, but people have to understand why you're showing them the things you are showing them.

The family spirit has rendered man carnivorous.

Passion lies between one mark and the next, and also within all of them.

My proudest moment was when I was in high school, some jackass tried to give me a wedgy. I came prepared, I went commando. It tickled.

I think stand is better now than it's ever been. I think it's the greatest time ever to do standup comedy.

Old age is an excellent time for outrage.

There are moments when I think, Everyone is evil!

I guess because deejaying has become my job, I tend to listen to really horrible stuff on my spare time. If you heard my iPod you'd be like, "what the hell?"