I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

There are lots of reasons why a woman stays with a man, even when she's given up on changing him and can predict with certainty the shape that the rest of her life with him is going to take.

If you open your mouth in the dark, you will speak while in the wrong mood--darkness is the time to listen.

Between history and the eternal I have chosen history because I like certainties. Of it, at least, I am certain, and how can I deny this force crushing me.

It is an axiom of political life that you never raise expectations, whether in a political or military campaign, because your defeats are then magnified and your victories discounted.

What do I bring to the Democratic National Convention that other reporters don't? Hair.

I am going to cut taxes massively. I am going to cut business taxes massively. They're going to start hiring people.

We cannot progress as a society, as a people, if we lack compassion.

The metal blade hit her shoulder and passed cleanthrough her body as if she were made of water. HISSS!

You can't succeed by being good. That's what you get paid for. You can't succeed by being excellent. That's what you're expected to do. You can only succeed by being outstanding.

I always feel great when I don't have clothes on.