I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

When you open your heart, only then will the light come in.

I confronted the fact that I was not only talking to a dog, but answering for one.

Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.

Democracy is about criticism.

I didn't have all the expectations and the publicity. It probably made me work harder and learn more. It was a blessing in disguise.

It seems clear at last that our love for the natural world-Nature-is the only means by which we can requite God's obvious love for it.

For one gains by losing And loses by gaining.

Fidelity gives a unity to lives that would otherwise splinter into thousands of split-second impressions.

Forgive yourself and forgive others around you.

I feel very, very fortunate to have the success that I've had. I want to keep working and keep moving forward. Acting is my dream job. I love it so much.