I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

However ordinary each of us may seem, we are all in some way special, and can do things that are extraordinary, perhaps until then…even thought impossible.

Sometimes you don’t even know how strong you are, the devil sees it before you do and attacks

Maxim 2: A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

When you have to do something, you have to do it. Putting it off only makes it worse. Believe me, I know.

Being able to read, write, do your sums really transforms a human being.

Here I am as a running back, making a pretty good living, actually doing pretty good.

Hearing is a form of touch. You feel it through your body, and sometimes it almost hits your face.

Don't think about making women fit the world -- think about making the world fit women."

As Christians continue to be vilified let us continue to rejoice and be exceedingly glad. It means we are salt, light and with Him.

A library is a fueling station for your mind.