I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

If your Ipad can do it better than you, then it is not a skill.

The world and humanity were created by God and are therefore divinely inspired and intrinsically holy.

You want to BE happy and HAVE success? Join those words, BE+HAVE… To experience success in your life requires that you decide what you want and BEHAVE accordingly.

A man can't retire his experience.

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

The major challenge of most executives is not understanding the practice of leadership - it is practicing their understanding of leadership.

I don't thrive on control. I'm not looking for control. I think I get better results when I don't control things.

From time to time historians need to be shocked.

I don't really do glasses. It's a good look, but I'm not big on wearing clear glasses for fashion. And I don't wear too many shades because my fans love to see my eyes.

Perfection is the antithesis of authenticity.