I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Do not undervalue what you are ultimately worth because you are at a momentary disadvantage.

You don't just... just float someone in the air like that!" she shouted, so beside herself she was almost frenzied."Why? Is there some human law against it?

I'm in denial in its lesser state. It will take me a second. People around me will notice my mania first. And, my depression.

I am hitting my head against the walls, but the walls are giving way.

In the Iowa senate, I helped pass the largest tax cut in state history - returning over four billion dollars in savings and putting more money back in the pockets of hard-working Iowa families.

Truth is in history, but history is not the truth.

When Eudæmonidas heard a philosopher arguing that only a wise man can be a good general, "This is a wonderful speech," said he; "but he that saith it never heard the sound of trumpets.

Help the people in your network. And let them help you.

It is very difficult to make the ideas in my head come to life, but what is harder is making them look effortless.

[Yasuhiro] Yamashita is a respected judo master not only in Japan but across the world. To me, he is an example of an outstanding athlete and a very good man.