I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Fifty percent of something is better than than one hundred percent of nothing.

Good God! how should the mitral valves prevent the regurgitation of air and not of blood?

Preparing to live your dream is postponing it. You are either living it, or not.

There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.

I'm looking out for myself, but I'm looking out for my dad, too.

Don't leave. Stay, and make things better.

All you have the right to ask of life is to choose a battle in this war, make the best you can, and leave the field with honor.

The only way to cure the disease is to find happiness and meaning now.

When he is sick, every man wants his mother.

Once you get the government involved in agriculture you'll have nothing but problems and expenses.