I have thick skin. I'm not a baby. Nothing really offends me. If there's something I think might offend me, I don't listen to it.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.

people don't change, they just have momentary steps outside of their true character

Food is what I love, and how I communicate love, and how I calm myself.

Meaning makes a great many things endurable---per haps everything.

When people really understand it's do or die [and] if we work hard and pull through, it's going to be a great outcome; people will give it everything they've got.

Now I have begun to get interested in films and I just hope that people start becoming interested in me to do more films.

Our relationships with our computers are almost sexual, they're so close. They're just such a huge part of our lives.

Whenever people tell you they are going to wipe the slate clean, it's your slate they mean to wipe.

I can't wait to retire from acting and just sit around and get fat.