I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

The idea of, 'The journey is the destination' is put into action by browsing in an indie record store. Besides, a human being is a much better guide than a 'More Like This' link on the internet.

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, 'The good outnumber you, and we always will.'

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as "Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice"?

I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck.

You have to be ruthless with yourself, in terms of being honest about what is working and what is not.

Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.

I hate all sidekicks.

I identify myself as a stand-up first. Even though lately there's been an explosion of acting on my schedule.

Happiness is a perception of what you have, not what you should have.

Don't make me kill you at this hour in the morning Jimmy. It's not civilized.

Suspense is like a woman. The more left to the imagination, the more the excitement.

If you can't be psyched about your own thoughts, then how are you supposed to have a meaningful interaction with anyone?

We in America count on the profit motive to get people to do the right thing. That's our basic American notion when it comes to business.

I'm a father; that's what matters most. Nothing matters more.

The intercourse between man and God reposes upon truths of another order than that of reason, upon a light different and more elevated than that which naturally enlightens created intelligences.

I've had enough experience with knowing that things will turn out just fine. I pray for that. There's a lesson in everything. Looking for the lesson is grounding.

Don't talk over me, don't argue with me, just listen.

[On New York City:] From a dating point of view, it's like a really large rummage sale - lots of strange items, but darned little that you'd want to take home.