I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

What is the past but what we choose to remember?

I have been hunted for twenty-one years. I have literally lived in the saddle. I have never known a day of perfect peace.

We will never allow anybody to separate Taiwan from China.

Women are not forgiven for aging.

I can't deny I'm a better ex-president than I was a president.

You know how it is with fathers, you never escape the idea that maybe after all they're right.

I just wanna go on more adventures. Be around good energy. Connect with people. Learn new things. Grow

Sometimes love makes you selfish. Sometimes it makes you stupid. Sometimes it reminds you why you love your gun.

We must be ruthless with ideas, but gentle with people.

I've made humanitarian causes and my children much more my priority than the Hollywood scene, being liked and getting movie parts.