I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'

Time laughs in the distance as I cling to the belief memories of you will fade.

Never trust anyone under one hundred!

I need a girl who will put me in my place, but I also want to laugh and have a good time.

Imagine how they would have mocked you if you proclaimed, 'Not only is the world a sphere, but there is an invisible, mystical force that holds everything to its surface'!

Love is a collection of moments where you were really there with somebody. A child, a lover, a friend, yourself.

What distinguishes man from the brute is his conscious striving to realise the spirit within.

Whatever you have lived, you can write & by hard work & a genuine apprenticeship, you can learn to write well; but what you have not lived you cannot write, you can only pretend to write it.

I can make music, but I can't play it. I read somewhere that Grieg couldn't play his A-minor piano concerts very well, but he could write. My role was to compose things, but not really play it.

No, no, no to Tallyho.

I don't think music can be held. I don't think artists can be put into boxes or places. It's all about creating and making the best music you can.