I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a person like the thought of their impending death

Description of man: dependence, longing for independence, need.

Here I am, a baseball superstar, falling into the pits, having everybody write you off, and then having God say, 'I'm going to use your mess for a message.' How beautiful is that?

Act like the person you conceive yourself to be.

Man is a means for turning things into spirit and turning spirit into things.

Democracy, like life, is hard to learn and doesn't have a teacher.

I am very good with dialects, but the two that I can't do for some reason are the South African and Australian.

A general dissolution of principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy.

We are always looking for the book it is necessary to read next.

My legs are really long and that's cool apparently, but I'm totally klutzy. I mean, I'm like Bambi. I fall all over myself because I can't control my arms and my really long legs.