I haven't really got much get up and go. I can't believe I'm on the telly. I'm so lazy.

I was at college doing performing arts, and just spending all my time mucking about, and the lecturers thought I would be pretty good at stand-up, so I gave it a whirl.

I hate Shakespeare. I think Shakespeare's rubbish.

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere.

I'm just generally hugely frustrated, I'm a very, very frustrated man. I'm just a ball of pent-up frustration.

I didn't really want to be a comedian.

I still get excited about meeting celebrities, because I don't think I'm a celebrity myself.

I've met Nicole Kidman, Elton John, loads of people.

Modern man threw a brick through his own window in order to sell himself a burglar alarm.

The whole business of smoking is like forcing yourself to wear tight shoes just to get the pleasure of taking them off.

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

If you only show me a part of you, I'll only love that part.

One who does not deserve your tears does not deserve your heart.

Don't leave the dream, lead your dreams!

The Backstreet Boys....they really do have good music!

There is generosity in giving, but gentleness in receiving.

My parents got my sister and I to go to church and have piano lessons. We were keen and they could see that.

God created seaweed… The seaweed made the world.

One serious drawback about letters is that, in order to get them, one must send some out. When it comes to the mail, I feel it is better to receive than to give.

It is not enough to know what you want, you must also know why you want it, and what you will do once you have it! All those elements impact the world around you and therefore must be considered.

Good friends must not always be together; It is the feeling of oneness when distant That proves a lasting friendship.