I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Words bounce. Words, if you let them, will do what they want to do and what they have to do.

Don't need to stand by me, I'm enough for myself.

Crazy and insane are words used throughout history to describe people and ideas that are simply different.

The nerds are the ones that make the films and do loads of other really cool stuff in their life.

Colors express the main psychic functions of man.

Tell the sun and stars hello for me.

The Gnostic needs a lot of patience because any act of impatience leads him to failure.

It's not good for people to have the safety net too low... People can take care of themselves better than we allow them to.

The bird That glads the night had cheer'd the listening groves with sweet complainings.