I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it.

We're always hearing about risk-takers whose risks paid off, but they are no braver than those whose risks end in ridicule.

Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

I used a lot of sports psychologists when I was younger... sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't.

Never run in the rain with your socks on.

Donit kill her now, just when we've gone to all that trouble to rescue her," said Jeffrey.

What is offered to man's apprehension in any specific revelation of Christ is the living God himself.

I was gravely warned by some of my female acquaintances that no woman could expect to be regarded as a lady after she had written a book.

I think using waste oils as fuel makes sense. We do waste a huge amount of vegetable oil in this country and using that as a fuel source strikes me as fine.

Rose Hathaway: "You see something you like?" Dimitri Belikov: "Get dressed.

Man can be literally transformed by his own repentance and by God's gift of forgiveness.

I'm just kind of a hippie. Age is not that relevant to the music.

I'm sorry, could you please tell me what the definition of the word "is" is?