I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

There can never be a conflict between science and religion, once you understand the spiritual knack of the human brain circuits.

People will do amazing things to ensure their survival.

Does no one want to know the truth here, Mr. Archer? The real loneliness is living among all these kind of people who only ask one to pretend!

God hath made man upright but they have sought out many inventions.

Our minds can come up with the most entertaining possibilities, if we let them. But most of the time, we keep them under far too close a check.

My business is the enforcement of the tax laws and the integrity of the tax code and making sure that trustees of charitable giving are true trustees.

Humility is just as much the opposite of self-abasement as it is of self-exaltation.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

A film is a boat which is always on the point of sinking-it always tends to break up as you go along and drag you under with it.

And I kissed away a thousand tears My lady of the Various Sorrows Some begged, some borrowed, some stolen Some kept safe for tomorrow.