I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

It his mind, they reminded him of ‘Tweedle Dee’ and ‘Tweedle Dum’, with an extra emphasise placed on the ‘Dum’!

Tend to the people, and they will tend to the business.

Trauma, if it doesn't destroy us, wakes us up both to our own relational capacities and to the suffering of others. Not only does it makes us hurt, it makes us more human, caring, and wise.

Have lots of experiments, but make sure they're strategically focused.

Those are the voices of my brothers, darling; I love the company of wolves.

My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.

That seems to be the way of things. Everyone takes, everyone gives. Life is like that.

Dreams are like commercials, but her dreams are picture perfect.

I want to do everything. That's my problem.

Just after I entered my teens I suddenly entertained an insatiable enthusiasm for the delightful habit of criticizing others.