I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

I wonder if I'll ever have to decide which is worse, life as we're living or no life at all.

Never see yourself as being superior to others

In morning Don't go out of bed with dirty thoughts. As new day begins first thing God do is "bless our thoughts.

All art, all education, can be merely a supplement to nature.

However common irreverence and profanity become, they are nonetheless wrong

If gold rusts, what then can iron do?

I don't have any authority over Linux other than this notion that I know what I'm doing.

Carrying a grudge is difficult work that brings nothing of value. Forgive, and be free.

Long customs are not easily broken; he that attempts to change the course of his own life very often labors in vain; and how shall we do that for others, which we are seldom able to do for ourselves.

I don't know what a supermodel is. If they call me that, I might have to punch them. It's just so vain and so unreal.