I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Statistics is the grammar of science.

California must be all American or all Chinese. We are resolved that it shall be American, and are prepared to make it so. May we not rely upon your sympathy and assistance?

Writers only think they are interested in politics, they are not really, it gives them a chance to talk and writers like to talk but really no real writer is really interested in politics.

It's all a big old chain. There isn't one unconnected link.

Trump is a very specific case. It's really gonna be hard to replicate that.

The bottom line in both cases is that people don't change; that no matter how charming you are and how fiercely you love, you cannot turn a person into something she's not.

Every bird has its decoy, and every man is led and misled in his own peculiar way.

I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.

The incredible list of supposed horrors that increasing carbon dioxide will bring the world is pure belief disguised as science.

The world economy, the world environment, the world AIDS crisis, the world arms race: they affect us all.