I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Prayer in private results in boldness in public.

There is nothing I fear more than someone without memory. A person without memory is free to do anything she likes.

It's too bad we're not all teddy bears. More stuffing would only make us cuter and cuddlier.

There is no other solution to man's progress but the day's honest work the day's honest decisions the day's generous utterances and the day's good deed.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Daddy always said you only explained things to the people that actually mattered.

I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends.

Everybody likes to see somebody else get caught for the vices practiced by themselves.

I have to believe I got some kind of say over our lives.

My parents were quite liberal with us, always encouraging us to be our own person and be creative.