I judge my life by how miserable it used to be. If I could pay my rent, I was deliriously happy. Now I'm deliriously happy all the time.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Do you pray for our world or just your world? If all your prayers were answered, would it change our world or just your world?

Indians don't last in prison. They weren't born for it like the whites.

What I'm suggesting to you is that this could be a renaissance. We may be on the cusp of a future which could provide a tremendous leap forward for humanity.

Actors want to work. Give them characters they want to play, or a story they want to tell, and hopefully the budget will follow.

No sheep can be a king in the empire of wolves, but any wolf can be an emperor in the kingdom of sheeps! Paw is the key to the throne.

There's no biography so interesting as the one in which the biographer is present.

Ninety feet between home plate and first base may be the closest man has ever come to perfection.

I know there really is someone out there for everyone.

If I was going to play offense, I'd love to play running back. In high school I played quarterback and wide receiver, but I wouldn't mind running over some folks.