I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

But it's natural for men to compete against each other. We've been doing it since the cave days. Why else do we have wars? Wars are competition, no matter what the politicians call them.

But godhead is, after all, a matter of fact, not a matter of opinion: if a man is generally worshipped as a god then he is a god. And if a god ceases to be worshipped he is nothing.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Do you fear death? Do you fear that dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare. All your sins punished. I can offer you...an escape.

Faction is to party what the superlative is to the positive. Party is a political evil, and faction is the worst of all parties.

The indictment, in a lot of ways, that was the turning point.

The average woman falls in love seven times a year. Only six are with shoes.

Government cannot and must not replace private initiative.

I had a patient once who dreamed she kept her husband in the deep freeze except for mating. Lots of men feel that way.

Nature allows only experimental situations to occur which can be described within the framework of the formalism of quantum mechanics