I just don't give off a great first impression.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Tell me, who have never be knocked down by life’s circumstances?

Of course it was horrible, ' smiled Dr. Branom. 'Violence is a very horrible thing. That's what you're learning now. Your body is learning it.

To make a man happy fill his hands with work.

He bit the inside of his cheek, Death purring wildy. The pleasure of her touch, even one so innocent, rocked him to the core.

You cannot grow a beard in a moment of passion.

Osteoporosis, as the third threat, is particularly attributable to women's physiology

When war becomes a trade, it benefits, like all other trades, from the division of labour.

Starting in the mid-'80s, I played in a band called Meat Joy, and we made our own record, toured.

Every time I write a nonfiction book I get sued.

When government is... bailing out banks... we have every good reason to be alarmed.