I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

One night. May the best witch win.

If you keep your emotions locked in a box, then when you want to open it one day you'll find that they're gone.

I'd found him, and he was mine - cute little bugger that he was, messed up glasses, funky shoes and all.

I accept life unconditionally. ... Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can only be felt if you don't set any condition.

I would love a robot butler.

Working in a restaurant means being part of a family, albeit usually a slightly dysfunctional one. Nothing is accomplished independently.

She believed in letting children have a certain amount of rope, and only intervened at the last moment, in order to prevent their hanging themselves by it.

There's no changing your mind about whom you love. That's part of the tough thing about being in love - it's sort of undeniable.

All philosophies, if you ride them home, are nonsense, but some are greater nonsense than others.

Nothing is an obstacle unless you say it is.