I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

God will save whomever He chooses to save. The Christian should proselytize not because he thinks he can change everybody

So this is it. You are scored on my heart, Clark.

Our worship must be directed to the One who holds the world in His hands.

I have yet to be completely submerged in reality, for drowning in the sky.

Never let me hear that foolish word again.

Don't do or say things you would not like to see on the front page of The Washington Post.

Every child is a thought in the mind of God, and our task is to recognize this thought and help it toward completion.

Frequent and violent temptations were a proof that the citadel of the soul had not fallen and that the devil raged to make it fall.

Well see, I'm a good enough writer that not everybody in my books talks exactly like I do.

The problem with kids these days is they don't have enough fun stuff to do. When I was stationed with my family in Germany, youth basketball programs gave me something to strive to do my best at.