I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

We all have issues & we have usually come by them honestly.

It takes great courage and determination, to keep looking for light in all the darkness of life.

Salad is never more appetizing than when served in a large wooden bowl.

I was always looking out of the window, looking at my watch, thinking about when I could play football.

The aim of the college, for the individual student, is to eliminate the need in his life for the college; the task is to help him become a self-educating man.

Europe has never existed. One must genuinely create Europe.

Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory.

Nice friendship is like the breathing air, you will never see it but you will always feel its presence.

Everything that looks to the future elevates human nature.

But thy eternal summer shall not fade.