I just sit at a typewriter and curse a bit.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

Dare to be naive.

Such stuff the world is made of.

We shouldn't teach great books we should teach a love of reading.

Personally I had the opportunity to go on several ride alongs with the LA County Sheriff's Department with some amazing detectives, who were invaluable to me.

I could have written a misery memoir and instead I tried to make it funny. I never complained.

I want to be remembered as a person who kept it real, who did what he wanted to do, but never did nothing stupid and never tried to offend nobody else. I'm always being myself.

It is so much easier to live placidly and complacently. Of course, to live placidly and complacently is not to live at all.

For much of the Internet, the shortest path between two points doesn't exist.

If I had to choose, it would be dancing. Dancing is my first passion and it's gotten me where I am today.

A man may not achieve everything he has dreamed, but he will never achieve anything great without having dreamed it first.