I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Feet sandaled with dreams tread paths of vision leading to wisdom’s sharp peaks.

There's no need to bully; be kind to unwind!

Dreams are practical reflections of feelings and concerns that were present in your mind at the time you had the dream. You are smart and practical. So are your dreams.

Not everyone wants to be happy

Badmouthing your ex-spouse rips the child apart

if the devil can get the church to withdraw from prayer by believing reasonable excuses, the church is under his dominion.

I love lighting Shabbat candles at the onset of Shabbat. It helps me create a strong and firm demarcation of time.

Oppressed persons, oppressed cultures, tend to be more political, obviously, as are those with a rage for justice, or the crazy messianic desire.

Nature gives all, without reservation, and loses nothing; man or woman, grasping all, loses everything.

I am learning to forgive my inner geek, and even value him as a free man.