I just want to be known as funny.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

I love you beyond paint, beyond melodies, beyond words. And I hope you will always feel that, even when I'm not around to tell you so.

The world is a merrier place to live if people do things more out of sincerity, not just out of formality.

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter.

Everything is in constant flux, from state to state, from good to bad and back again... only in transmutation, perpetual motion, lies truth.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

It is a matter of regret that many low, mean suspicions turn out to be well founded.

When I was a little kid I thought like a little kid, but now I'm five I know everything

I think now because of this whole social media thing, people obviously felt these things [about cultural appropriation] before, and they comment on everything.

God's perfect, unconditional love and faithfulness are what brought me through all of the healing, restoration and breakthroughs I desperately needed so I could become what He created me to be!

I think that's just a general English attitude [being abusive]. I did the same thing to famous people.