I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

To leave is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

An indefinable something is to be done in a way nobody knows how at a time nobody knows when that will accomplish nobody knows what.

Weigh risk carefully, and once you decide a risk is manageable and necessary in the pursuit of your dreams, take it.

The internet to me is kind of like a black hole, and I never really go on it.

Arsene Wenger has got to unlock the purse strings

We should try our best to relieve the suffering of others in whatever way we can.

A garden is never finished.

To announce truths is an infallible receipt for being persecuted.