I just wanted to be in show business. I didn't care if I was going to be an actor or a magician or what. Comedy was a point of the least resistance, really. And on the simplest level, I loved comedy.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

I believe the United States should allow all foreigners in this country, provided they can speak our native language... Apache.

Be so good they can't ignore you.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.

Relationships end, but they don't end your life.

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

And it makes you think. Even things that have been the same for years and years can change. Maybe I can change. I can bring my own wall down, and let people in.

The internet: always proving that you're not quite as special as you suspected.

No matter what, we have to keep moving forward, even if we have to crawl.

My mom was a saint. She taught me to be terminally nice.

I have a problem with capitalism, in it's extreme sense. At the same time communism, I have a problem with that, because every man must feel like a lord in his own manor.

Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.

If my salary is taken without my agreement, it is a violation of my rights.

I'm sorry, I guess my company leaves a lot to be desired.

I guess I had to learn how to run properly. I spent a lot of time on a giant treadmill, like one of those wheels mice run around on, and got filmed doing it to improve my form.

Every witticism is an inexact thought; that which is perfectly true is imperfectly witty.