I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole.

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage.... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.

On Furnishing One's Home - Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it.

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes.

I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane.

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.

You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.

I was an angst-y journal writing kid.

There's life for you. Spend the best years of your life studying penmanship and rhetoric and syntax and Beowulf and George Eliot, and then somebody steals your pencil.

I know my mom always likes to give the over-the-top 'wow' pieces at baby showers.

nobody is like anybody else. that's why nobody gets along with anybody else.

A life well used procures a happy death.

It's not how hard you pushed along the way. It's having something in you to finish.

There are four stages to marriage. First there's the affair, then there's the marriage, then children, and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.

Nothing is more annoying than a tardy friend. [Lat., Tardo amico nihil est quidquam iniquius.]

I find myself daydreaming about him when I wake up in the morning, in school when something reminds me of him, and when I fall asleep at night

Don’t take yourself too seriously.