I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Vice Is nice But a little virtue Won't hurt you.

Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he's written that can't be read aloud easily.

Great and glorious events which dazzle the beholder are represented by politicians as the outcome of grand designs whereas they are usually products of temperaments and passions.

In advanced meditation you become light. You transcend self, ego, time, space, and dimensionality.

I never analyze stuff with comedy because it's boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you're either funny or you're not.

I was told I make intelligent comics, and then I made a comic about a horse that pooped.

You never know yourself until the chips are down. True strength is not measured when your at your strongest, but when you’re at your weakest.

Dovie'andi se tovya sagain (It's time to roll the dice) - Matrim Cauthon

There are evils that have the ability to survive identification and go on for ever... money, for instance, or war.

Writing a first draft is like trying to build a house in a strong wind.