I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Give your mind permission to travel where the body cannot go and be open to all the wisdom that the universe has to offer.

Respect and love your readers. Write for the reader.

If Jovan Belcher didn't possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.

Success is not built on what we accomplish for ourselves. Its foundation lies in what we do for others.

When you have great scripts, everything is very easy and fun.

Fragrance is the first layer of dressing, a woman's invisible body suit.

Too many of us are lonely ministers practicing a lonely ministry.

I've actually been turned down for jobs because I was in Playboy.

The main quality of leadership..........is courage ! If you can dream it, you can do it!

It's really absurd to make... a human image, with paint, today, when you think about it... But then all of a sudden, it was even more absurd not to do it.